Sometimes I find myself wondering why… wondering why to many questions that seem to not have any answers, and possibly never will. Tonight my question to the world or in truth to myself is why her. What is it that we share? We are not any relative to one another and we don’t come from the same background nor do we share the same pain from a similar past experience. Our interests are slightly compatible, but not enough to wonder if we were somehow separated at birth. I have only known her for two years, but for some reason, when I talk to her I feel understood, and I no longer have questions about the world, because everything starts to make sense in that moment.
We met in a Georgia high school class room. Our friendship had an ordinary beginning; I didn’t walk into the class room in slow motion, hair blowing in the wind and lock eyes with her from across the room and began a glorious friendship or love affair, but over the stretch of the school year a small platonic kinship blossomed, and over the summer it grew slightly larger, no less platonic however. The following school year she had decided to move with her mom to Florida, though I shed no tears I knew I would miss her a little, so I decided to keep in touch. We would text occasionally, and some nights she even called. We would talk like close friends and with complete trust. She told me about her and the new boyfriend she had, or the hit and run she had tried to get away with, but eventually had been found out. I listened and offered stories of my own when she was finished; nothing to personal, but things I certainly wouldn’t tell an acquaintance.
Six months later the girl comes back to Georgia, and back to being physically in my life, but now it’s different. I now noticed the beauty in her eyes that I blindly overlooked before her absence. I noticed how radiant and flawless her skin appeared to have gotten. I plainly just noticed how drop dead gorgeous the girl was. I developed a crush, but I proceeded with caution. The months went by, and our friendship kept a steady pace without a hint of either of us longing for more; we were still platonic, still not separated at birth, but simply good friends.
One night all that would change. Combined with the liquid courage that alcohol provided, and the sexual tension that had been building slowly but surely for months now, I went for it. I went into kiss her. She didn’t fight it, instead she intensified the moment by pulling me in closer to her body, and passionately kissing me back. The next day was weird, I didn’t know if our friendship would be ruined forever, but deep down inside I felt like nothing would change. I felt it was a moment that needed to happen, and so it did. She felt the same, and we agreed that we weren’t going to miraculously spring up a beautiful relationship because ultimately both of our hearts were taken by others who had come into our life over the months. So time went by without us seeing each other, but of course that didn’t stop our communication. We still remained good friends, but then there came a time where we were at the same party, and it happened again. We found ourselves mindlessly wandering to the same corner, and sharing a moment. It happened again at the party after that, and again at the next. Still when we were apart, nothing changed. She went about with her significant other and as did I, No talks about developing into something more, or talks of love.
One night my friend asked me to hook him up with this girl, and I suddenly felt the heat that anger always brings when it enters your body. I wanted to say no way! Are you out your mind! But on what grounds did I have to say something like that? She was nothing of mine, so instead of saying what I really wanted to say I went to the girl and told her to give my friend a call. She never did though, and when my friend I asked her why, she said she just couldn’t date one of my friends and left it at that.
More time went by and as did the same pattern.
Until one night…. One painful night
like a thousand furious bees , life stung me square in the heart. I no longer had that significant other, and I couldn’t believe it. I went through a dark time, a very dark time, and I cut my self off from the world. Best friends, family, good friends, teachers, cats, pigeons, dogs, etc. no one was excluded. My phone would ring, and it would run its course without me even bothering to see who it was. Text messages went by unread. A few weeks later I excluded family, from the list and also cats and pigeons and I started to embrace their conversation and start to talk again. For some reason I also decided to exclude her. We started to talk, not flirt but talk, and though I didn’t allow the conversations to last long I still welcomed them as they came. I let her in… but why?
I like to think the answer is because of the fact that somewhere along the simple phone conversations, the text messages, the moments shared alone, and the small similarities in our personalities that we developed an unspoken bond. Its not love, we wont ever sit on a park bench watching the sun set over the distant horizon. We won’t be looking into each other eyes reciting vows to one another. We probably won’t ever share any type of formal relationship, and im perfectly fine with that because I gave my heart away a long time ago.
We share something much deeper than any of that though, a connection that can’t be seen, but can be felt inside us both. We share an understanding of one another, not a full understanding but one that another person would never be able to provide in a way like she does. We share a trust that wasn’t built over a long drawn out period of time, but built with a leap of faith.
We share an unspoken Bond.
So to the girl, whom I am talking about, this one is for you. Just in case by some chance your up late at night wondering just as I am what we share, or maybe this is all in my head, but at least now you know how I feel.