Breathe

 

Breathe.

That’s what I keep reminding myself to do. Though my body is doing it naturally at this moment it does not seem like its doing enough.

I need more.

I need more air, so I breathe.

Relief drapes my soul, but only for a split second before the same emptiness feeling returns.

Love.

I need more love. I not only need it I long for it. I sit back, and breathe again. With this new air comes new realization. I am loved. This is true.  What I am searching for is actually unconditional love.

Love me for me. Love me for who I am not. Love me for I who I was, and Love me for what I can be. I need more people to love me no matter what the circumstances may be.

I breathe again and glance down at my wrist.

Karma is engraved on it…. “What goes around comes around”

I start to imagine how many people have been in this predicament because of my actions; Grasping for breath, and Longing for love.

Tears flow down my face.

I stare into the moon and begin to flash back. I realize I once had two women give me exactly the things I search for.

My Mother and LC.

Fast forward to present time they are gone. Gone because of my actions. My unappreciative actions.

The tears flow harder.

I breathe.

“Have you damaged your chances of ever finding that again?” I ask myself.

I ponder on it, and look up at the moon triggering another flashback.

It’s 2009.

I am a horrible person. I do the worst things. My words cut deep, and my actions dig graves. I get by solely on the good things I do during my fleeting moments of recognition of my ways.

I delve deeper.

It’s 1998 and I am in my grandfather’s church. I’m getting ready to give a speech on Malcolm X. I am extremely nervous. My grandfather puts his arm around my shoulder, and gets on bended knee. He comforts me, and tells me I will be fine, and how proud of me he is. He goes on to say how he sees me preaching at my own church one day, and he knows my future will be bright and with god. I am calmed, and smile at the idea wanting nothing more than to make him proud.

The tears are now uncontrollable.

I realize how much I have let the people who matter most down in the past years. How not proud I am most likely making my now deceased grand father. How wrong I have lived up until recent, and even now I know there are still changes to be made.

The tears subside however in the thought on how much I indeed have changed.  How much I am not that guy or little boy for better word as I was back in 09. I am more spiritual, I am more caring, I am a better listener, I am a better lover, I know my rights and my wrongs, and I have a much better understanding on appreciation for life and the ones that matter in it.

I smile, but glance down at my wrist, and notice karma again.

“Damn.” I whisper.

With all this being said. I have managed to open up to try to love again. To take these new attributes and apply them to love.  I  have built myself into a good person, on paper it would sound perfect, so I will not going into detail, but I have bettered myself. I have done right. I stray away from wrong, I do the things I did seldom in the past 24/7 now. While that was enough to gain unconditional love back then, it doesn’t seem enough for this girl. It never seems enough.

Which makes me think the answer is yes. Yes I have ruined my chances of ever finding that again. I tell myself ..That it’s too late.

I breathe.

I look up beyond the moon, beyond the stars, beyond the sky, and I whisper.

“Im sorry god… Im sorry pop pop….. Im sorry mom..Im sorry Lc… I will always regret disappointing you, but forever love you.”

I smile in hopes that the world forgives me, as I begin to forgive myself.

As a reader, Remember to live with love, completely love and appreciation for breath.. Life itself. Live without regrets.  May you always take your heart, and minds signs into consideration, but always follow your gut. We are here for one go round. Don’t waste a day of it not doing or saying what you truly desire to. Don’t spend it with the people whom don’t make you feel alive… Spend it with those whom love you uncoditonally…. Whom being with is a simpe as…. Breathing.

With all my love,

Shane