Thanksgiving.

It’s Thanksgiving day.

I walk outside to the bear hug of a deafening silence.

I first confuse it to be peaceful.

Until I’m reminded that i’m the only one not inside with my family, and loved ones. 

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This Is Love.

It was like dancing to your favorite song, with your favorite person, in your favorite place. Only I couldn’t dance, and I’ve seen better sights than my apartment’s community laundry room. Still. The feeling was epic.

I remember her saying, “I feel you throughout my body. I can’t feel anything else, but you.”

“I haven’t stuck it in yet.” I admitted.

“I know.”  She whispered.

I knew I loved her before this moment, but this is the moment I will tell our grand children I knew. We danced until we couldn’t dance any longer. Afterwards we lay naked while our clothes washed under us.

“If I had one wish in this world, I’d wish that I could sing to you right now.” I said.

“Really?”  She asked.

“I mean it. I’ve thought this out. This would be my one wish in a life full of wishful thinking.” I said.

“Why don’t you sing to me then?” She asked.

“Because I’m really bad. It wouldn’t have the same effect. It would hurt your ears.” I admitted.

“I’d still listen.” She urged.

I took a deeper than deep breath. “Oh how I love you.” I sang. “Oh how the sky is blue because I love you. Oh how the stars shine at night because I love you. Oh how everything makes sense because I love you.” I finished.

“Encore, Encore!” She screamed through crying eyes and bleeding ears.

This is love.

That was nine months ago.

“Push!” The room screamed in unison.

She looked up at me.

“I can’t push any more.” She said.

“It’s just a couple more.” I encouraged.

“I still feel you throughout my body, I can’t feel anything else, but you.” She whispered.

“Maybe it’s the baby inside you.” I teased.

“It’s you.” She reassured.

“Push!” The room screamed in Unison.

“I don’t think I can do it.” She admitted.

“Oh how I still love you.” I sang. “Oh how the sky is still blue because I still love you. Oh how the sky is still blue because I still love you. Oh how everything still makes sense because I will always love you.” I finished.

“Thank you.” She said pushing through crying eyes and bleeding ears.

Then almost everyone cried in Unison.

“The baby is here!” One shouted almost loud enough to drown out the nurse yelling, “The baby is here, but the mother isn’t breathing. Were losing her.”

I was losing her. I wanted to yell. Not we. It was I. However, I couldn’t speak, and the love of my life couldn’t breathe. She was gone, but not completely. I could feel her throughout my body, I couldn’t feel anything but her.

This is love.

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Everything’s Not Lost

The phone rings and it rings. Sound now travels so uniquely in this house that used to be a home. I don’t pick up, and the ringing stops. Only to continue 11.113 seconds later.  The number is blocked, but I know all too well who it is.  You see God keeps calling me from blocked, but I pretend it’s you. It’s a small window of hope I get to stare out of every 11.113 seconds. I know that if I pick up, The window closes, and God walks through the front door whispering “Everything’s Not Lost.”  No. No. No. I’m pretty sure calling God a liar to his face is frowned upon. I’ll take this small window in this house that used to be a home any day.

I know that if I pick up, and it is you, The Window shatters at the impact of the brick you’ve thrown through it. The Brick contains a note that reads If it helps I lost everything, on the road to finding myself, you just happen to be one of them. 

No, No, No. I’ll take this small window in this house that used to be a home any day, or until my phone dies.  Yes. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll keep praying that God keeps calling me blocked, so that I can pretend it’s you.

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Life Must Go On.

I fell in love with a star on an endless and cloudless september night. It shone so uniquely in a sky full of look a likes. “Star, are you only shining for me?” I would ask. It never replied, but I knew the answer. It was not, but I pretended it was on that endless september night, and my ignorance brought me bliss. Only the night wasn’t endless, and my ignorance wasn’t as infinite as I’m sure my love will be. The sun had come out a year and some months later. The star was gone. It’s so dark I thought and believed for 1,000 years. Until one day,  “There’s still light! There’s still light my son!” Yelled the sun.  Life must go on.

-Shane

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