I don’t have the typical parents, if such a thing still exists. Nothing is typical anymore, is it? Anyway for conversation sake, I don’t have the typical parents, nor the typical relationship with the two of them respectively.
I love my mom more of the two, and more of any other being the world has to offer. I’m unsure if this is completely noticeable, and I have certain moments of this ironic, uncertain, clarity where this thought saddens me. I hope she know this though. I hope she sees this through, the hanging up, the yelling, and all the other things one shouldn’t do to their mom, or the person they love most in this world. I pray in these moments that my love is so strong, and bright, that it shines through the cloud of bullshit I bring over the sun that is our relationship, and not perfect, but perfectly loving mother.
Where to get started with my dad? I’ve got a mixture of emotions towards him, but I don’t show any of them to their full extent, if that at all makes sense. I have anger, and I show him, but not to the full extent it deserves. I may cop an attitude, but I should be copping a pair of brass knuckles. (Not really, but the point is, I never really show him the complete level of my emotion.) I have love, but I can count on one hand the times I’ve told him I’ve loved him. There are times when I wake up in a very nice apartment that he pays for completely, and I am able to write staring out my bedroom window & into the sun rising over the horizon. In these moments I want nothing, but to call and thank him endlessly, for allowing this to happen, but I don’t. Our relationship is built around playing it cool. It’s built around clever or smart ass, or moments of mutual respect. There’s rarely moments in between you know? Of complete genuine, and peeled back emotion, it’s all thought out on my end, I can’t speak for him. When those moments happen though, few feelings that I’ve felt in my young life can I describe as being better. I don’t know why this is, or whether I even want it to change. I just find it interesting, the way I find that we as man kind decided that California is 3 hours behind Georgia because of the way the sun sets, and rises over there/here. That blows my mind, but I don’t care much if it changes or not.
I don’t have the typical relationship with my parents. I go months, sometimes years without seeing them. Some people can’t even fathom that I imagine. Sometimes I go months without even talking to them. My mom- via me creating a cloud over the sun that she…. mostly is. My dad- via we just lose touch.. It isn’t natural for us to keep in touch if it’s not involving the necessaries.
It is important that I state that I don’t want this at all to come off as sad. When you completely accept the things around you, I believe it also gives you complete control of them as well. In a sense of course, I am not saying you can change the world if you accept it, but in a sense that’s also completely what I’m saying.
My dad paves a road for me in which I am able to ride more smoothly to my dreams. My mom talks to me, and holds my hand the whole time I’m in the car on that road. I appreciate my not so typical parent puzzle, and find that it works for me.
As you two are reading this there may be parts that anger you respectively, but I’m fine with that, I just hope it makes you guys feel. With love, with thanks, with thought, with appreciation, I just want to say all that I’ve already said, and that I hope you feel something.
If I can change one thing, and I know that one day I will, I will have it so that there is complete positive energy between the two. That is all. That is all my 21 year old self would change.