I’ve read that the best kind of love is one in which the soul is awakened. I am not in love, and I am unsure if it’s indeed my soul, but something endlessly divine has been awakened inside of me. It started when the best kind of friend (One in which you have to build a solid foundation of banter in order to avoid a considerable amount of maudlin conversations detailing how truly perfect they are in your eyes.) Confessed her feelings for me. Instantly I was 7 years old again, up way past my bedtime, and watching my first Sunrise. God has colored the entire sky perfectly, and I still couldn’t color inside the lines of a singular square I thought. I had never seen or appreciated such beauty before. I knew that I never wanted to miss another, and I vowed that I wouldn’t. I promised forever to something I didn’t know existed, wanted, and possibly even needed moments earlier.
You see, What I’m trying to say is that… this friend was everything Magical in what was my first Sunrise.
I became entranced with ideas, and possibilities that I didn’t know existed moments earlier. I saw forever in a world I had previously thought to be fleeting. I saw the everlasting beauty in everything that was her. I was effortlessly lost in the wave of newfound passion. I put a grim emphasis on the term wavebecause waves come and go in an ocean of forevers and foundations.
With that said, My 7 year old self, was peacefully asleep, on time, and couldn’t even manage to capture the sunrise the very next morning.
As for my best kind of friend, maudlin conversations and thoughts of perfection possibilities quickly faded back to banter.
So here I stand with a shot filled with an ocean of Hennessy toasting to wishes of being her ocean of forevers.
I’m questioning the exact moment that later becomes never. I’m wondering if there is even a “becomes”, or is later always some form of never. I’m struggling a balancing act between a line I feel should be thicker of determination and procrastination. “Why is it so thin in my life these days?” I tend to ask God in some form most 2014 nights. I’m able to fall asleep at night on the pure fact pillow that my self-admitted, miniscule, productivity is still the most productivity that I see from those who surround me. The question “Who am I really surrounding myself with?” wakes me up midway through said sleep, and I continue my journey on a road that leads only to success, but I’m driving below the speed limit. I sometimes get out, and walk, do drugs, have meaningless pop culture talk, and watch movies with the hitchhikers and bystanders. I sometimes let the wrong people in the car with me. I never run out of gas, but I sometimes run out of energy to push down on the pedal. I’m scared that the promising fact that I’m on a road that only leads to bliss, has falsely comforted me into constantly saying “I’ll get there later.” I don’t want that later to become never. Behind all the metaphors what I am saying is that, I want to birth words that grow up to be sentences that the world needs, and I must fuck my word documents now, or never.
I’ve found in you & with you something that I had once thought to be lost into the deepest depths of forever. You have effortlessly, and unknowingly given me something that I would lie to myself and others & proclaim that i’ve already had. What I am trying to say in this open letter S.P.N. Is that I’ve managed to find myself… along the hours of getting lost in your conversation and kisses. I’ve written to you before, but not like this. I havent given a piece the time you without a doubt deserve. Being completely honest, I admit that I havent given any piece the time of day let alone the time it deserves as of late. You see, your love has managed to fill a void that writing once filled for me, but thankfully it has also over time inspired me to do the impossible and attempt to put the butterflies in my stomach, the romantic melody in my head, and love in my heart on paper. God knows we argue more than we should, especially when I put into perspective that though i’ve said it in other relationships.. I havent felt love like this in a long time. With that said my question to you & I is why argue when we know the end result will always be you in my arms? and If my rhetorical question doesn’t make it clear sweetheart, allow me to blatantly tell you That I am not going anywhere. If my love letter, and my actions are still the wee bit hazy allow me to blatantly tell you That I find you to be an amazing friend, an even better girlfriend, and a beautiful person inside & out. You have showed me how to be crazy again, some bad crazy, some good crazy. Either way I thank you for showing me Love, True true Love.. once again.